I'm always more reflective at night. After the lights are off and the house is silent, it's finally quiet enough to hear inside. Although lately I've been trying to drown out my thoughts. Mostly because I need to ignore them to persevere. It sounds dramatic, but it's really pretty simple: I can't have what I want.I'm a dreamer by nature. A planner and a starter. I love complexity and fixing things, or even creating something out of nothing. But routines and maintenance kill my soul. I think a part of it dies every time I have to repeat the formulaic process. So I dream to keep going. Some day I'll get to do... (fill in blank). And then I can survive the boredom. Yes, boredom is my enemy.
And it's really hard to watch others thrive. They get to live out the dreams in my heart while I'm still waiting. Sitting still. The kids have a book about having to learn to sit still in school. Sitting still. Sit still. Still sitting still. Sit still! I feel like that kindergardener who wants to run and play and explore. But right now it's circle time and I need to sit still and listen and learn.
So what am I learning? Well, I've learned that I suck at sitting still. I have no patience. But I AM trying every day. I'm trying very hard to be content where I am. And to keep the dreams alive, instead of crushing them because they are too painful to remember. So I'm gently nourishing the dreams in my heart while still living one day at a time. Holding that tension is emotionally exhausting. And complicated. But I do like complexity. Hmm...
